How To Survive An Affair And Move On With Your Life

Introduction

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can be one of the most painful experiences in life. The betrayal, hurt, and loss of trust can feel overwhelming. You may wonder if you’ll ever be able to move past the affair and heal.

The good news is that it is possible to survive an affair, process the emotions, and eventually move forward in a healthy way. With time and effort, many couples are even able to rebuild their relationship after infidelity.

Here’s How To Survive An Affair:

Here are some tips for coping in the aftermath of an affair and emerging stronger on the other side.

Immediate Aftermath: Looking After Yourself

The initial shock of learning about an affair can be devastating. Everything may feel like it’s crumbling around you. During this excruciatingly painful time, it’s important to look after yourself.

Here are some ways to cope in the raw, early stages:

• Lean on trusted friends and family for support. Don’t try to handle this alone.
• Consider seeking individual counselling. Having an objective third party to talk to can be extremely helpful.
• Make self-care a priority. Do things that comfort you and enable you to decompress, like taking a bath, exercising, journaling, or watching a favourite movie.
• Resist making any big life changes or decisions right now. Your thinking and emotions are in turmoil. Wait until you regain equilibrium.
• Be honest about how you’re feeling. Don’t minimise your hurt or pretend you’re fine.
• Allow yourself to fully grieve the loss. Cry, scream into a pillow, vent to a friend—do whatever helps you process the pain.
• Avoid numbing the pain with drugs, alcohol, shopping sprees, etc. This will prolong the agony in the long run.
• Reach out for support. There are many online and in-person communities for people coping with affairs.

The Aftermath: Coping With Triggers and Flashbacks

In addition to the initial rawness of the betrayal, one of the most difficult parts of recovering from an affair is coping with triggers and flashbacks. Seemingly small, innocuous things can suddenly transport you back to the pain, hurt, and disbelief you felt upon first finding out. Triggers and flashbacks can ambush you when you least expect them.

Here are some ways to cope:

• Develop an “emergency self-care kit” for when you feel a flashback coming on. It might include positive affirmations, a favourite book, photos of loved ones, soothing music, aromatherapy oils, etc.
• When triggered, focus on your breathing or count backwards slowly from 100. This can calm your nervous system down.
• Talk about what you’re experiencing with supportive friends, family, or a therapist. Don’t keep the anguish bottled up inside.
• Write about your feelings in a journal. Processing through writing can help enormously.
• Limit your exposure to TV shows, movies, songs, etc containing infidelity plotlines. These can be triggering.
• Take care of your physical body. Make sure you’re eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.
• Join a support group. Realising you’re not alone is healing. Other people get exactly what you’re going through.
• Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Flashbacks are a normal part of the healing process after betrayal. They decrease in intensity and frequency over time.

Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust With Your Partner

If you choose to try reconciling with your partner rather than separating, the road ahead will be challenging. Rebuilding intimacy, trust, and your connection will take tremendous time and effort. It will likely be two steps forward, and one step back for a long while.

Here are some tips for the reconciliation journey:

• Attend counselling together. Having productive conversations with a therapist present can pave the way forward.
• The unfaithful partner must be willing to discuss what happened, answer questions, and be transparent. They should provide access to phone and computer records. Secrecy makes true reconciliation impossible.
• The unfaithful partner needs to take full accountability. Blaming the affair on you or the marriage is unacceptable. The choice was theirs.
• Rebuilding trust requires ongoing reassurance from your partner through actions, not just words. Small displays like keeping in frequent touch while apart help.
• Intimacy may need to be re-established slowly. What feels comfortable to you? Hand-holding? Hugging? Kissing? Let your partner know.
• Couples counselling provides exercises to help reconnect. Things like weekly check-ins on the relationship, expressing appreciation, etc.
• If you feel overwhelmed, take a break from discussions. Pushing too hard before you’re ready will hurt more than help.
• Slip-ups may occur during reconciliation. Try to respond calmly. If your partner is genuinely putting in the work, momentary setbacks are normal.
• Look for positive change over time. As the months pass, the trust, intimacy, and hope should steadily grow.

Overcoming Online Betrayal

Discovering that your partner has been having an affair over the internet can be utterly devastating. The intimacy, secrets, and emotional energy they share online can feel like a profound betrayal. It’s important not to blame yourself or think you deserved this.

Your partner made the choice to be unfaithful. Although the pain is still raw, there are healthy ways to process this and move forward. Talk to trusted friends and family who can support you during this difficult transition. Consider speaking to a counsellor who can help you navigate complex feelings of grief, anger, and loss of trust.

Most importantly, know that you are strong enough to get through this, and in time will heal and be open to love again. Though it doesn’t seem like it now, you will get past this betrayal. Have faith in your resilience.

Emerging Stronger After the Affair

As impossible as it seems in your darkest moments, countless couples do manage to heal after infidelity. With time, care, and commitment, most are even able to create a relationship that feels more profound and meaningful than before. Here are some signs you’re moving forward after the affair:

• Thinking about the affair doesn’t immediately trigger intense anguish or anger.
• You can have conversations about ordinary life topics with your partner again.
• Emotional intimacy is deepening. You’re confiding hopes, fears, and dreams again.
• Physical intimacy feels pleasurable and natural, not forced.
• You notice your partner is taking actions—big and small—to nurture your relationship.
• There is laughter, playfulness, and lightness between you, not just serious discussions.
• You feel safe, trusting, valued, and loved again, not just on guard.
• The relationship feels more vulnerable yet sacred after surviving such a test.
• Your commitment has been reinforced. Leaving is no longer on the table for either of you.
• You’ve gained conflict resolution skills and are communicating better than ever.
• Your empathy, patience, resilience, and self-knowledge have grown immensely.

Affairs often happen due to relationship vulnerabilities. The work you’ve done provides insurance against future infidelity. The affair recovery process, while excruciating, just might pave the way for a more profound connection than you ever dreamed possible.

Starting Over: How to Rebuild Your Life if You Decide Not To Reconcile

As difficult as it is, some people decide ending the relationship is healthiest after their partner cheats. Rebuilding life alone post-affair brings its own set of challenges. Here are some tips for moving forward if you don’t reconcile:

• Surround yourself with a strong support system – Quality time with close friends, family, a therapist, and support groups is key.
• Allow yourself to fully grieve the losses – the relationship, hopes for the future, trust, etc. Moving through the pain is the only way forward.
• Be kind to yourself – This is an extremely emotionally taxing experience. Take things slowly and set small goals each day.
• Make self-care a priority – Especially physical self-care through proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Depression can manifest physically.
• Become socially active – When ready, begin re-engaging in hobbies and social activities you enjoy. Humans need connection.
• Re-invent yourself – Consider making some changes to home décor, your wardrobe, hair style, etc. A few updates can help symbolise a fresh start.
• Don’t rebound – Resist jumping into a new relationship prematurely before you’ve healed. Take time to reconnect with who you are as an individual first.
• Forgive yourself – Especially if you have setbacks like missing your ex. Grieving a relationship resembles the cycle of accepting loss.
• Take your time – Reflect on any relationship issues to learn lessons that may prevent history from repeating. But avoid blaming yourself—the choice to cheat was your partner’s.
• Be patient and kind to yourself – Recovering from infidelity and rebuilding life anew takes time. The lightness will come, in its own time.

Conclusion

Discovering an affair can be utterly devastating. The hurt, anger, loss, and betrayal feel almost suffocating. Yet as impossible as it seems initially, there are ways to survive the agony and eventually move forward. If choosing to reconcile, be patient with yourself and your partner.

Rebuilding shattered trust and intimacy happens gradually. Seek counselling support. If splitting up, surround yourself with loved ones, process the grief, and be self-compassionate. Whether reconciling or starting fresh alone, self-care is paramount. Infidelity is an immense loss that takes time to recover from.

Ultimately, happiness and wholeness can be reclaimed, in some form. Affair recovery requires tremendous resilience. But people all over the world pass through even the darkest of nights back into the light again. In time, with care and forgiveness for yourself most of all, you too will emerge wiser and stronger.

The pain will never fully disappear, but it will become manageable. You will create a meaningful life again. Where there is love, there is hope.

FAQs